My Dreams Are More Real Than My Daily Life

I’ve been having these vivid dreams of getting high. Sticking the needle in my arm, drawing the blood, the release, and that wonderful feeling, I can feel the high in my dream. It feels real. I can taste it, and I wake up sweating with awful anxiety. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to wake up. It feels good. The ironic thing is, I go most days with the feeling that everything feels like a dream and I feel like I’m in a movie and nothing is real and it’s scary. And then I go to sleep and have the most real feelings. It’s quite confusing actually. The methadone is supposed to stop the craving, stop the dreams. But I really don’t want to raise my dose; this is another crutch, another thing I have to get off of. I don’t want to be on it long term. On the other hand last time I got off of it I thought I was ready and I wasn’t. A bit of a predicament, but I’m not going to focus on that, I’m going to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. As for the dreams, they concern me. Not because I want to use, but because it scares the hell out of me. It reminds me why I liked it so much. And the fact that I spend my days feeling like nothing is real; I get the urge to do something stupid like hurt myself in some way so I can feel something. I know it might sound a little crazy, and maybe it is but it’s scary to me. And the dreams feel more real than my everyday life. I’m thinking I should go and talk to someone about this, but I can’t really afford a counselor or anything along those lines. So usually I come here, and I write. It helps, but for this I’m beyond confused and scared. The anxiety is eating at me, I’m afraid to go to sleep because I don’t want to experience the lifelike high, and at the same time I’m afraid to wake up because I don’t want to feel nothing.