Back To The Start

I’m not embarrassed to say that I might need methadone. Staying at a 10mg dose was helping with pain and the psychological part of my addiction. Right now I feel weak, and I’m holding off hoping it will pass. Doesn’t seem like I am mentally strong enough like I thought I was, not only that but now the pain from my accident is back and I was given the option to go back on Dilaudid the very medication that put me in this position. I was shocked that my doctor even gave me that option; truly shocked. It’s a vicious cycle and nothing but a money pit for the doctor. How does a doctor run a pain clinic and methadone clinic in the same building? A smart doctor. He knows that all his patients will stick with him the whole way through; either because they aren’t ready to let go or they don’t have any other option. It makes me sick to be honest.

Once again I feel defeated, I feel scared. I’m afraid I am going to lose the battle again. I am beginning to think going back on the methadone is the safe and right thing to do. I would much rather be on a low daily dose of methadone than go back to using. Its like my mind has been programmed to think of nothing but opiates, it reminds me that I am still a junkie whether I want to be or not. Being clean for however long has not taught me self control, it merely institutionalizes self deprivation. Going back on methadone doesn’t change who I have become and what I have learned. Going back on methadone could potentially save me from years of depression and self loathing, isolation and misery. I just don’t want to tread the same path I have for the last 11 years. I’m trying to open doors not close them. I don’t know if the people surrounding will support my decision but I hope that they will try to understand my situation and not look at me as a failure.

Clearly I have a lot of work to do, being on methadone blindsides me from realizing that just because my receptors are being blocked and it doesn’t mean they will stay blocked once I’m off the methadone. The cravings will come back with a vengeance and the old addict mentality will linger and play games with your mind. It will test you, it will tease you and it will eat at your brain every day and every night. These cravings always pass, and sometimes it’s difficult to remind myself that they do in fact pass. With time they are getting stronger and lasting longer, and in that mental state I can’t say I fully trust myself. Sometimes its trial and error, I don’t want to relapse so maybe this is for the best. I tried, it’s been almost 4 weeks now and it’s becoming unbearable. I don’t want it to affect my job, or my relationships; I have come too far to fall back.

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8 thoughts on “Back To The Start

  1. Sorry to hear you’re having so many challenges in your life. I don’t know anything about methadone, but if methadone helps you in your life, there’s no shame in making a decision which is in your highest interests and helps you live a good life. Good luck whatever you choose!

  2. What do YOU want? Not what your body wants or your mind wants. What do you want in your heart of hearts…then do it! Believe in you…that is the test. That is what this is all about, from start to finish. You are being taught to heal yourself, as we all have to. And I have felt your strength within by all you have said. It is your time…what do YOU want? Sending love and light that you may see that within you. Have strength Crystal, and understand that until you give that love to yourself, it will be a struggle. You are a beautiful lady and deep down you know it, believe in yourself and step past that fear. Namaste

  3. Hi Crystal I miss hearing from you. I have been neglecting reading your blog. I am sorry to read that you are struggling with your addition. Don’t feel bad if you need to get back on methadone. It takes what it takes. Take good care of yourself.

    I am doing well. About a month ago I started to take an antidepressant and it seems to be working well. Write to me on goodreads if you want. I will try to read your blog more often.

    My best to you, Mary

  4. This is off-topic I know, but I’m proud of you. You’ll do well if you believe you will. But….I had to tell you..

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    ▒▐█▀▄░ ▀ █▀▀▄ ▀█▀ █░░ █▀▄ ▄▀▄ ▀▄░▄▀
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    Happy birthday Crystal!!!!

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