The Last Call

You could hear the desperation in her voice; she was hurt, scared, and beyond broken. This isn’t the first time she has called you in this state. She tells you this will be the last time, but you know better. This isn’t the first time she has said that. As much as you want to hang up and turn away; you can’t. You love her too much, and you know that you’re helping her kill herself. She has always been a good manipulator, a good talker even before the drugs. You know she will say and do anything she can to get her fix; she will bend and break you time and time again. You try to lie and tell her you can’t help her this time; this time you honestly don’t have the money. Even if that was true you know you will find a way. You simply cannot understand why she does this to you, why she makes you feel like a failure, why she turns everything upside down, why and how she ended up this way. You convince yourself that it’s your fault. You don’t know how to help her, so you give in to her and tell her ‘this is the last time’. You think back to when she was a child and you never thought thing’s would turn out the way they did, you reflect and try to figure out where thing’s went wrong but to no avail.

She tried everything before calling you again, not because she didn’t want to bother you but because she didn’t want to deal with the “nagging”. She knows you better than you know yourself. In this moment of desperation there is no emotion all she can think about is her next fix because she is dope sick. She knows you are in a fragile state thanks to her but the drugs are more important. After she gets the money off of you and gets high she is okay, she is able to function and hold a conversation. There is a moment of comfort between the two of you. She thinks about how much she has fucked up and she doesn’t know how to pick up the pieces. You both are on separate sides of the fence, you can’t understand each other and she is sick of trying to explain it to you. She tells you it is impossible for you to understand what she is going through. You ask her why can’t she just stop. She tells you if she could just stop, she wouldn’t have an addiction.

You go both go to your own corners and shut the door for the night. You worry about her constantly as she just tries to get through the night. She knows she has lost control and doesn’t know how to stop, she knows she needs help before it’s too late. The next morning she asks you to help her, she is shaking with nervousness, and crying with shame, you can see the fear in her eyes and feel the terror in her voice so you take her hand and you say to her ‘we will get through this’.

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2 thoughts on “The Last Call

  1. I read that and I was afraid! I readily admit I really have no idea of the nature of the beast but I can feel the pain, the removal of being human and the hopelessness that these drugs inflict after you have been coerced with their initial blocking of the fears in your life, only to realise much too late, that this fix is but a shield for another more insidious terror that will wrap you in it’s arms to test you within, to the depths of your being.
    And in that Crystal, you have my utmost esteem for the journey you have taken and now bestow on others to help them find that lost soul within. You have my highest regard for the strength and love that you now give from the wisdom from a very hard path.
    Namaste little lady, may the beauty that you now find within, glow for so many others like a rainbow in the sky.
    Very big and gentle hug for that truth you have found within. xo

    • I wrote that a while ago, posted it in October but I thought it would be good to post it again, quick little reminder of what I don’t want. Thank you, I always appreciate your feedback. Wish you all the best,
      Crystal

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