Descending

Within the next couple weeks I will be coming off methadone; again. To say I am terrified is an understatement. I have a million different things running through my mind, and failure is one of them. Obviously I don’t want to fail; I know addiction and I know that sometimes willpower isn’t enough. I have to continue to remind myself that I am in a different place than I was. I know who I am, and I know what I want.

As I am getting closer to the final dose, I am mentally and emotionally preparing. I know that in that moment I am going to feel helpless, weak, insecure, and scared. I know that it is going to take everything out of me physically and mentally. I know that I am going to want to give up and give in but I know that giving up isn’t an option. I can only go up from there; I can’t feel any worse than I have in the past. I have done it before and although it is torture, it is achievable.

I still think back to the first time I had ever experienced a high, and although it was almost 11 years ago I remember everything about that night. I remember deciding that I never wanted to face reality again; reality was way too real for me. I was young and naïve, but I knew enough to know that I didn’t like how I felt and I didn’t like who I was. My past has given me the strength to do this,  my past has made me who I am, and for the first time in my life I can say I like who I am.

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16 thoughts on “Descending

  1. And that is the key. It is in believing in yourself Crystal that will bring you through this time. You’ve had enough of that time of being in the lowest point of your life, and also now know the other end of that scale so that a choice becomes so much easier because of that. As you said, this is very achievable and the fact that your admitting to yourself that it is scary makes me believe in you. If you had said ‘ I have it all under control’ I would have worried. You will be fine, it is your time, and from all that has gone before I believe that after experiencing this all first hand, you may be exactly what is needed for so many others in this same position, and you may, if that is your goal, become the support and help for the many (later on), who will find themselves in exactly your position. First hand knowledge is priceless and you have it in spades. Go for it little lady, there are many here that will support you through this and are only a ‘comment’ away. I believe in you too!
    Sending you love and hugs! Your heart is as strong as all that has gone before, it is now your time. Namaste

  2. Wow! This is some powerful stuff. And while I’ve never dealt with addiction, I can tell you as someone who’s dealt with compulsive behavior (and all the terrible things that come with it like severe anxiety and depression), that I do know the feeling. However, you’ve got the right attitude and I have a feeling you’ll triumph.

  3. I feel your pain. My friend is on day 36 of methadone detox. We went into detox together. I’m so proud of her. I can see the physical and mental wear the withdrawals r having on her. It’s her first time getting clean after nearly a decade of using. She’s an inspiration and you will b one as well. Are you planning on suboxone maintenance? Good luck. Ill b rooting for u.

    • Yeah it’s difficult. I actually started on Suboxone coming off of heroin and dilauded, but it didn’t work mentally for the cravings so I switched to Methadone. I have been on both of them separately multiple times in the last 4 years, I’m hoping this will be my final time getting off the Methadone. I just have to remind myself where I was and where I am now. Thank you!

      • I can’t imagine. I have enough problems with alcohol. From what my friend tells me methadone is twice as hard to kick compared to heroin. She got off h 3 years ago but was shooting coke into a wound. She almost lost her arm. Scary stuff. I had six years sober and in 6 weeks lost everything- job, girlfriend, broken ankle, jumped out of a moving cab. Stupid stuff. I’m going to b checking in on ur blog to see how ur doing. I would also like to offer u my friends number as u two are going thru strikingly similar situations. You might want someone to talk u thru. She’s super smart. I think u two will hit it off. Send me an email if ur interested. aaseaward@gmail.com

      • Wow, substances can turn anyone into something they aren’t. I was lucky not to lose a hand or arm, I did a lot of desperate things with a syringe. I had a harder time getting off the oxys than methadone in the past, but different time and different situation so who knows this time round. I’m glad to hear you are doing well now, I wish you nothing but the best. I will send you an email shortly.

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