A lengthy, intrusive reminder of why I am where I am and why I want to stay where I am; I forgot to the go to the pharmacy to take my Methadone dose a couple days ago. It hit me and it hit me hard. I had a sudden rush of physical and mental pain. It brought back memories of hospital visits and mental and physical anguish. I immediately felt vulnerable; I wanted to escape my reality. I battled myself in so many ways, counting the seconds until 9am when I could go to the pharmacy and feel better. I knew I had less than 24 hours but I still couldn’t help thinking that using would be a quick fix. The anxiety and panic was almost unbearable. The restless leg syndrome, the yawning, the aching all over my body; it was tough but not something I haven’t dealt with before. I have spent countless hours with withdrawals.
Regardless of what was running through my mind as I lay in bed sleepless, tossing and turning with restless legs. I didn’t give in to the temptations. I just laid there impatiently waiting and although it was a long, long night it reminded me of what I don’t miss.
I am aware that Methadone is another crutch, another thing I have to come off of. But for right now it is something I need in more ways than one. Maybe it is a crutch, maybe I am afraid of leaving it all behind; it doesn’t matter. What matters is I am putting my life back together. I am able to hold a job, I can maintain healthy relationships, and I am giving myself responsibilities and holding them. I am holding myself accountable, and most of all I am learning and trying which has to count for something.