We Made It

“Ok. So what was it? Why did you hate being sober? Your childhood was good; you were never abused…maybe emotionally and mentally, but only a little. You had everything you wanted; you never went without. So please tell me, tell me what went wrong?”

I was looking for reasons, or excuses as to why I was the way I was. I wanted to believe there was a significant reason I fell off course. I wanted to blame something or someone for my actions. Even now that I am sober, I still look back trying to find something to hold on to, something that pushed me over the edge. But I was just a child when I started using; it is hard to trace those steps. The more I think about it, the more I try to make sense of the past, the more I realize that it’s me; it has always been me. I am the reason. I hated who I was, and I hated how I felt. Even if my parents said I love you or hugged me more, it wouldn’t have changed how I felt inside, even if there was no emotional abuse. It wouldn’t have taken away the anxiety, the depression, the depersonalization and derealization. It would not have mattered. I didn’t know how to control those feelings and emotions; I didn’t know how to make it stop. When I figured out drugs took all of it away, I felt comforted. I found a way to turn off my mind; I found a way not to care. There is generation after generation of addiction and mental health issues within my family. Whether or not that has impacted me; who knows? The point is I am the only one to blame. I have stopped trying to unlock memories, I have stopped trying to make sense of the past because I don’t think I will ever understand why things were the way they were. I am lucky to still have both of my parents in my life, I am lucky to have a great relationship with them. We are putting the puzzle back together a day at a time. It isn’t always easy, but we have been through hell and back and we’re still together. That has to count for something.

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9 thoughts on “We Made It

  1. It counts for everything. You are talking with them, trying to understand yourself. That is more important than anything else. You have understood enough that you have left that life behind AND no longer wish to be what it all represented to you. Your doing the hard yards of one day at time. Eventually you will be able to look back and see the panoramic view of what your life then felt like, and begin to understand just why you followed that path. But remember, it was there for a reason, and it has now allowed you to create who you now are. You are now giving that love to yourself by doing all the things for you. Not selfishly, but in a way that is your truth within, and in doing so your relationship within will grow deeper and deeper so that you can give from a place of love within. Then by ‘knowing’ that journey you will be able to help others in the same place. But when your ready, it can be a bit raw to start with, give yourself time. Love and light, Mark.

      • Thanks. Sometimes one may desire things around one to be ideal – as good as that person thinks he/she is from within – but there seems to be a mess. The person gives a weak try to set things right try of course fails. there is a wish if things could be reset…started afresh..that is not physically possible so the person slips into a world of his own..a world devoid of troubling anomalies. remaining unmindful of the physical harm that one is inflicting on oneself. and on the people who are important. I mean there is a perception that bad guys do drugs but even the good ones may fall. Please tell.

      • I personally believe there are so many factors in what may make someone go down that path. Everyone from lawyers and doctors to the homeless and poor. And unfortunately for me it became such a vicious cycle. I started when I was just 13 years old and I started because I hated myself and drugs made me not care about who I was inside. I couldn’t figure out why I felt the way I did so I kept going until it was beyond anyone’s control. There is a history of addiction in my family whether or not that was a factor I’m not too sure. As I got older the viscous cycle got worse and I did things I wouldn’t do sober. I did them because I didn’t feel like I had options. I was so far in the hole after 10 years of abuse at such a young age, I didn’t see any other way for myself. I was lucky to break the cycle, lucky to be alive, lucky in countless ways. I know many others aren’t.
        Ps. Sorry for the late response!

  2. Thanks. I got my answer. Hating oneself is a stronger trigger for addiction than hating the world. Because a world hater can gratify himself in a number of other destructive ways. while one who hates oneself is more likely to take a path of self destruction.

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