I did something today that made my anxiety go through the roof; I went through my old cell phone. I looked through old conversations and I immediately had a panic attack, but I couldn’t stop. I had an overwhelming mix of emotions I couldn’t differentiate the panic and fear from the shame and guilt. All I knew was I suddenly felt scared, I felt almost like a child; I was vulnerable and I was alone; alone with my thoughts, alone to sit with myself and alone with my emotions. I suddenly burst into tears; I can’t remember the last time I cried. But I didn’t know why I was crying, a part of me was sad and angry, and another part of me was grateful and happy. I was sad and angry because I hurt so many people, I had ruined lives. I was grateful and happy because I made it while many of the people from the messages had not. While reading the messages I was reliving those very moments of desperation; waiting in parking lots for the dealer to come by, begging my mom for cash, doing anything and everything to get what I needed, withdrawing, arguments…I relived those years of messages in the half hour I was reading. I wanted to run away from my mind, I wanted to make it go away. I think I began to look for reasons to relapse; an excuse. It’s a perplexing situation, and I’m likely to contradict myself because I don’t want to relapse. I’m just still learning how to cope with my emotions; I’m learning how to deal with my emotions effectively so I don’t relapse.
At first I thought I had just jeopardized my sobriety by bringing up foul memories, and reminding myself of all the difficulties and heartache. But I sat with my panic, fear, and anxiety. I sat with it and I felt it all the way through; I didn’t escape, I couldn’t escape.
I still haven’t deleted those messages; I’m not sure why I am having such a hard time getting rid of them. I know I might sound ridiculous, but maybe I am afraid to let go.