Fear & Anxiety

It’s hard to lead and live a fulfilling life when you’re constantly worrying. Worrying, anxiety, panic, fear; they are more than capable of consuming your life, making you feel weak and insecure. There is something that is paralyzing when you are invaded with worry; stuck in a battle within your mind, trying to find reason and understanding.

I never had to worry, I didn’t even have to think let alone fear. It was all manageable with drugs; it was easy to put thoughts away never to be heard again. The longer I am sober the worse my anxiety gets, it is a constant intrusion with no end in sight. It’s difficult to pinpoint the root of my anxiety and where it begins, or how it begins, why it begins. This is all new to me. Worrying is natural, we do it everyday. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, with drugs I was able to have it diminished.

I have been trying to figure out strategies to ease my fear and anxiety, it’s hard when I can’t identify my feelings and emotions well. I have been trying to pay more attention to myself mentally and emotionally. I realized I have comfort zones; places where I feel safe, people I feel safe with. Outside of this I seem to be in constant fear; of what? The only thing I am afraid of is myself.

I don’t want fear and anxiety to limit me from my recovery. It might sound weird but I feel as if I am mentally trying to ‘prepare to live’. I believe it is natural that I want to find a better way to live, but my fear is keeping me stuck. I am still vulnerable and with vulnerability come emotions; clearly I am not good with emotions. Everything is real, it’s too real. I mentally disassociate from reality without even realizing until I am in a dreamlike state, I have done that since I was very, very young. I need to learn how to process my feelings and emotions internally. I am tired of living in fear everyday; it is overwhelming and very discouraging. I still don’t trust myself.

I want to feel safe from within; at peace with who I am, at peace with my life. It’s not so much about my surroundings; it is more about me and what’s going on in my mind. A looming darkness still exists and it’s hard to see in the dark.

It’s just one day at a time.

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9 thoughts on “Fear & Anxiety

  1. Honestly something I was just thinking about. For me also it is just a complete war zone in my head. Sometimes it really is hard to stay positive in all of this. Stress and fear and anxiety and insecurities a re each their own little monsters we have to first, identify, then actually attempt to overcome. Anyways I am right there with you once again and I hope both of us get through this sooner rather than later.

  2. This might sound a bit off the planet, but I like doing a Harry Potter when thoughts and feelings get too much for me – I touch a finger to my head and pretend it’s drawing out whatever’s bothering me, then imagine it being drawn into a box (which I do physically), write down what’s bothering me, then consign the worry to the box. As I’ve also had alcohol problems in the past, one of the things which has really liberated me has been to find what I’m good at creative and recently (I’m 66, bit slow maybe, but hopefully might speed things up for you!) got into digital art which has absolutely fed my heart and soul. Perhaps if you have the opportunity to undertake something creative – something which draws you, not necessarily art like myself – you might find focusing on that not only helps you let go of the worries in your head, it might help your self-esteem and self-confidence, as it did and continues to do for me. Whatever, good luck and hang in there.

    • I draw a lot, writing helps too because I am able to get everything off my chest in a positive way. I am slowly learning what works and what doesn’t. Thank you for the idea 🙂 I appreciate it!

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