It’s hard to lead and live a fulfilling life when you’re constantly worrying. Worrying, anxiety, panic, fear; they are more than capable of consuming your life, making you feel weak and insecure. There is something that is paralyzing when you are invaded with worry; stuck in a battle within your mind, trying to find reason and understanding.
I never had to worry, I didn’t even have to think let alone fear. It was all manageable with drugs; it was easy to put thoughts away never to be heard again. The longer I am sober the worse my anxiety gets, it is a constant intrusion with no end in sight. It’s difficult to pinpoint the root of my anxiety and where it begins, or how it begins, why it begins. This is all new to me. Worrying is natural, we do it everyday. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, with drugs I was able to have it diminished.
I have been trying to figure out strategies to ease my fear and anxiety, it’s hard when I can’t identify my feelings and emotions well. I have been trying to pay more attention to myself mentally and emotionally. I realized I have comfort zones; places where I feel safe, people I feel safe with. Outside of this I seem to be in constant fear; of what? The only thing I am afraid of is myself.
I don’t want fear and anxiety to limit me from my recovery. It might sound weird but I feel as if I am mentally trying to ‘prepare to live’. I believe it is natural that I want to find a better way to live, but my fear is keeping me stuck. I am still vulnerable and with vulnerability come emotions; clearly I am not good with emotions. Everything is real, it’s too real. I mentally disassociate from reality without even realizing until I am in a dreamlike state, I have done that since I was very, very young. I need to learn how to process my feelings and emotions internally. I am tired of living in fear everyday; it is overwhelming and very discouraging. I still don’t trust myself.
I want to feel safe from within; at peace with who I am, at peace with my life. It’s not so much about my surroundings; it is more about me and what’s going on in my mind. A looming darkness still exists and it’s hard to see in the dark.
It’s just one day at a time.