I still find myself wanting to escape my own mind, to disconnect. It is still hard to be alone in my own company. I have not yet gotten used to sitting with my emotions, having to face them, having to make sense of them. All well trying to figure out who I am and what I want. We all want to feel comfortable with our surroundings and especially with who and what we are. Only with time am I learning about myself, getting to know who I am; it’s all new to me. Addiction has been the easiest way to avoid all of this, I never had to sit with myself, and I never had to listen to my thoughts and emotions. I was able to completely shut off my mind.
It’s still hard to recognize emotions and what they mean, it’s still hard to deal with my day to day, what’s ‘normal’ and what’s not. When you have self-sabotaged and caused yourself nothing but self-inflicted pain for so long it’s very difficult to change those habits. Many questions still remain unanswered but it seems with time answers arise and thing’s start to make sense. I want so badly to feel like I belong, to feel like everything is okay, I want to be able to enjoy each and every day; I want to be able to say I am happy. Like everyone; some days are great and some are really hard, some days I want to give up and give in to the temptations. I know better, I know that if I do I am asking for a whole world of trouble and pain. But that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Just because I know the consequences, just because I’ve seen what it’s done, I’ve seen where it leads; it doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Although I am sober, my mind still hasn’t fully recovered (for lack of a better term); I don’t think it ever does. I am still set in my ways, my mind still has a way of justifying, and I still have two different people in my head that argue. I have the sober me, the recovering me, the person who tries everyday to do her best, the person who is content, the person that is learning. And then I have the addict part of me, that little bit of addict mentality that will take me a while to break; the person who is a liar, manipulator, a person who is selfish, a person who is lost. It does get easier with time, but like most people who have ever experienced addiction know that there are reminders everywhere. Little things, big things, it doesn’t matter which. But that’s part of recovery, learning to deal with those reminders and triggers, learning what ever strategies work for you, learning to be productive, learning to deal with your problems instead of running away from them; mentally, emotionally, physically. It’s a learning process, with new hurdles everyday. It becomes all about how you choose to handle what’s thrown at you. You learn to make choices, make decisions, but most of all you learn about yourself, who you are, and what you truly want.