I Knew Everything

I thought I had it all figured out. I was 13 going on 30 and no one could tell me right from wrong because I knew everything. I didn’t or couldn’t care about anything, and that was the greatest feeling in the world; not caring. I lost my conscious as soon as I found drugs, it was immediate and it was exhilarating. I could do and say whatever I wanted because I didn’t care, and I was too young to be empathetic to anyone I was hurting in the process. At the time there was no better feeling than not caring, I was emotionless and I loved it.

I remember countless times I purposely tried to overdose from 13-17 years old. I was naive and for lack of a better word; an idiot. I was playing with death as if it were a toy, just to see what would happen. I think back now and it scares me to know that I was truly careless, I can’t relate to that person I was; it doesn’t feel like me. Just writing this is making me cringe.

Eventually the world kept moving and I was standing still in my own self created disaster. I made my bed and I was laying in it, the most uncomfortable, terrifying bed and I had no choice but to wrap myself in its blankets. I began to think, it can only go up from here right? Wrong. I was stuck in a lifeless routine with an addiction I couldn’t break. I was a child with grown up problems beyond my control. Although it has been a long, scary, and heartbreaking road; the last 10 years has given me more life than I thought possible. Now it’s a matter of finding my path and going with it. Growing and learning, one day at a time, every day is a new day and I am going to make it work.

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One thought on “I Knew Everything

  1. Felt like some king of hormone is flowing in me.
    Hey you need to take good care of yourself. Just like if we love someone we just can’t see them in pain in a similar way there definitely are too many who care for you. So atleast for their sake take good care of yourself.

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