I’m sure by this point we are all aware that our minds are extremely powerful. The mind has a way of taking over and consuming in ways that are sometimes uncontrollable. You can go from one hundred to zero in the matter of a millisecond. You’re programmed and manipulated at such a young age to behave and react a certain way; what’s acceptable and what is unacceptable. But you are also shaped and formed by the actions of those surrounding you since day one. Every little thing that happens or doesn’t happen somehow someway has an effect. Well, developing an addiction when you’re a pre-teen takes a shift on your development mentally, emotionally, physically, and physiologically. It can cause countless damages in different shapes and forms from learning to motivation to pleasure. You generally become accustomed to the way you have looked at things and the way you have reacted to things; these habits are hard to break. If you have been nothing but negative for 10 years, to wake up one day and be positive isn’t easy. The mind has a funny way of playing tricks on you, of justifying, telling you one thing when you know different.

Personally; I’ve had countless arguments with myself in my head. When you are able to justify the unjustifiable, to make sense of the senseless, knowing full well right from wrong but you convince yourself anyway; that is something that was deeply and carelessly developed over years of drug abuse. It’s a trait (or whatever you want to call it) that a lot of us addicts have. It was easy to manipulate everyone and anyone, including myself. If I could convince others, I could convince myself too.

Breaking these habits has proven difficult, but like everything else; it’s a learning process, yet another stepping stone. So many factors I hadn’t considered have come out to play at random times in no specific order. I am learning and renewing daily, improving who I am and what I want. We all know that voice inside our heads, that voice that tells us, we aren’t good enough; but do we deserve our share of basic human happiness, are we good enough to be happy with who and what we are? I say yes. But it doesn’t matter what I say, it’s your voice; which means you’re the only one who hears it and you’re the only one who can fight it. I am no expert but it seems self-hatred and guilt accomplish nothing. It just stands in the way of true change.


6 thoughts on “Change

  1. Great subject. It’s been over nine years that I’ve been sober, and I’m still trying to clean-off the software. My natural default is to self-hatred. I rationalize it. If I hate myself enough about some mistake or defect, it will propel me to change. Okay, never mind that that has never worked. Ever. Only forgiveness has ever let me move forward. This time is different. If I make myself feel bad enough about THIS, I will be sure to never do it again.
    My sister once called me out on it. She said, “What would happen if you talked to a child like you do with yourself?”
    “Are you kidding? The kid would turn into some kind of warped social menace.”
    She just nodded.
    Got it.
    Even a houseplant wilts under the death ray of directed hatred. Why do I think I’ll thrive?
    It would be like thinking that drinking poison is the perfect tonic.
    Okay, that answers that.
    Anyway, I figure it’s progress that folks like us are now wrestling with/addressing our thinking. Instead of letting it bully us around.
    The work is long overdue.
    Right beside you with rolled sleeves,

    • Everything in time right? That’s what they say anyway. Trial and error. I think we all bully ourselves just a lot of the time we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Maybe now that I am sober and trying to lead a normal life I notice it more. Forgiveness is a huge part; like you said. Thank you, wishing you all the best!

  2. Thanks for following my blog, Crystal, great to be in contact and thanks for your honesty, it’s a pleasure to read your words. Good luck with living your good life and sharing your journey with such courage. Hugs. Mo

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