Living A Lie

I wasn’t sure what to do or where to begin; I didn’t know who I was, or how to feel, I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t remember what day it was, or what happened earlier in the day. I was living a lie, nothing was real; it couldn’t be. Or I wouldn’t let it be, it didn’t matter which. Every waking moment I would get ready to be the lead role in the movie of my life, a movie that could not stop, pause, rewind, or fast-forward. Everyone in my life were just extras, they had no idea what was really going on. They didn’t know the demons I was holding hostage within, they didn’t know the skeletons I had buried in my closet. I didn’t even realize the severity of my actions at the time. I began to believe my own lies, nothing felt real; a lie isn’t real. I was a zombie, I no longer had emotions. You can’t effectively block negative emotions without blocking positive emotions too. I was selfish and maybe naïve to believe that the world would stop to wait for me to catch up to reality. I was gripping, holding on tight thinking I could get through this, past this before someone would notice I was using again. At a certain point I wanted to be caught, I wanted someone to walk through the door just as I was plunging the syringe into my hand. Then I wouldn’t have to keep up this act, I was too cowardly to own up to it on my own. I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointment and hurt my loved ones would feel to find out yet again I was on the highway of death. Was I really going to keep going until I found a bottom; again? Or even worse; end up dead? You bet. It was beyond my control, I didn’t know which way was which, up or down, left or right. Let’s be realistic, addicts can lie. Not only to you, but to themselves, and that’s exactly what I did. I lied to myself until I almost overdosed in the hospital.

As I write this, it feels like I am writing about someone else. In a sense I am happy it was me (as twisted as that sounds). But with my struggles I was able to become someone who I am proud of today. I have become someone I didn’t know I could be. I found things within myself I didn’t know existed. I can say I am content, I can say today was a good day; thing’s I haven’t been able to say in 10 years. For me, that’s huge. Another stepping stone on my path of recovery.

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4 thoughts on “Living A Lie

  1. I kind of get the sense from this post that there is some pain from writing what you’ve put. Some of the things I can relate to completely. I can’t judge you from the past life you’ve had, because I was there once myself. To be honest, I am still there now, even though it is to a lesser extent than before.

    When you said you’ve become someone who you didnt know you could be, the truth is we are all people who can be something. Some see that earlier than others, but for we addicts, it can be much harder to see.

    I hope and pray you continue the good work you’re doing. Keep it up.

    You’re an inspiration to others

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