I wasn’t sure what to do or where to begin; I didn’t know who I was, or how to feel, I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t remember what day it was, or what happened earlier in the day. I was living a lie, nothing was real; it couldn’t be. Or I wouldn’t let it be, it didn’t matter which. Every waking moment I would get ready to be the lead role in the movie of my life, a movie that could not stop, pause, rewind, or fast-forward. Everyone in my life were just extras, they had no idea what was really going on. They didn’t know the demons I was holding hostage within, they didn’t know the skeletons I had buried in my closet. I didn’t even realize the severity of my actions at the time. I began to believe my own lies, nothing felt real; a lie isn’t real. I was a zombie, I no longer had emotions. You can’t effectively block negative emotions without blocking positive emotions too. I was selfish and maybe naïve to believe that the world would stop to wait for me to catch up to reality. I was gripping, holding on tight thinking I could get through this, past this before someone would notice I was using again. At a certain point I wanted to be caught, I wanted someone to walk through the door just as I was plunging the syringe into my hand. Then I wouldn’t have to keep up this act, I was too cowardly to own up to it on my own. I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointment and hurt my loved ones would feel to find out yet again I was on the highway of death. Was I really going to keep going until I found a bottom; again? Or even worse; end up dead? You bet. It was beyond my control, I didn’t know which way was which, up or down, left or right. Let’s be realistic, addicts can lie. Not only to you, but to themselves, and that’s exactly what I did. I lied to myself until I almost overdosed in the hospital.
As I write this, it feels like I am writing about someone else. In a sense I am happy it was me (as twisted as that sounds). But with my struggles I was able to become someone who I am proud of today. I have become someone I didn’t know I could be. I found things within myself I didn’t know existed. I can say I am content, I can say today was a good day; thing’s I haven’t been able to say in 10 years. For me, that’s huge. Another stepping stone on my path of recovery.