Isolating

I think its okay that I am still isolating myself. I’ve done it for years now, maybe it’s because I don’t trust many people, maybe it’s because I am happy on my own with my own space to do what I please. Don’t get me wrong; I do enjoy going out here and there. Just most of the time I prefer to be alone, my room is my escape from the rest of the house and the outside world. As silly as it sounds, I can go in my room close the door and feel a sense of relief. It’s almost like I can take a deep breath and relax. I think it’s mainly because most of the time my house is very chaotic. It is never quiet, there is always someone yelling or fighting. More often than not there are people too drunk for their own good. And outside of my house, my group of friends has downsized to almost nothing. I’ve had to stop talking to a lot of people because I don’t trust myself around drugs. I do have my closest friend right across the street, which is good.

At the end of the day, I don’t think I am isolating myself for the wrong reasons, although it may sound that way. I am content being alone 90% of time. It’s when I feel most comfortable. It’s when I can relax, read, write, draw. It’s not like I have bad social skills or anything, I am quite capable holding a conversation, or making friends. I just choose not to. I have never had facebook, or any social networking type thing. This blog is the closest thing I have ever had to any of that.

I used to isolate for the wrong reasons, I used to isolate to get high by myself. I loved getting high by myself, and just enjoying all the sensations. I used to isolate because I was very depressed. Now it’s just because I am content. Maybe I am wrong, I don’t know. But I think everyone has different needs for social contact, some people hate being alone, some people always need to have someone around or to talk to. Some may assume that I feel lonely. But I don’t feel lonely and I feel I am engaging with others as much as I want to. I don’t feel depressed, I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks along with depersonalization and derealisation but I have my whole life.

I almost feel while writing this, I am trying to convince myself that I am okay. But maybe I am just over thinking it. I know I struggle with identifying my feelings, and maybe I have created a comfort zone within my room where I feel safe.

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7 thoughts on “Isolating

  1. I LOVE isolating. However, as part of my own recovery program I force myself to cross the threshold, face my social anxieties, and reach out to others. It almost always takes effort on my part, but I am constantly surprised by the rewards. However, I do not subscribe to the ongoing demonetization by many in the recovery movement of solitude. The soul needs solitude. But embracing contemplative solitude and living in a vacuum because of fear are two different things. I am constantly trying to discern where that line is. Unfortunately, I only see it after I’ve crossed over it.
    Oh well.
    Good luck with finding a balance that’s perfect for you. That’s what it’s all about anyway. Finding what works for you.
    Hoping that safe zone around you grows enough for you to spread your wings.
    Marius

    • What you’ve said makes a lot of sense, and your 100% right. I’m still in the process of finding out who I am, what I want, where I’m going…all the fun stuff. With that I’m slowly seeing what works for me. Thank you, much appreciated. Wishing you all the best!
      Crystal

  2. I know I am isolating right now. I don’t know if it’s something that goes along with recovery but I do know I am an introvert and having to go to work daily, be around so many people, makes me exhausted. I literally come home, jump into my bed and isolate. It’s a problem for my family. I know they need my company. Especially my two little girls. But I do my best. I think some isolation is necessary for the addict. I mean, definitely from those people and places you went to get high, drunk, whatever. But I’m noticing the more I isolate, the more my symptoms of depression, anxiety, resentments, anger, fears, all the yuck…tend to grow and breed in this isolation. When I’m up, doing something for someone else, getting out of my own head and selfish nature, I feel better. I want to create a balance between this necessary relaxation, stimulation-free zone and the engagement with others that is imperative to be a healthy recovering alcoholic. I just havent’ found it yet and it’s scary.

    • I can relate to what your saying. In your case it sounds more like you need to find a happy balance, which can be hard. I think everyone has different social needs and I don’t think it’s a problem unless it starts to effect your life. But that’s just my opinion, wishing you all the best 🙂

      Crystal

  3. I think there is a difference between being alone and isolating. Being alone is something that I enjoy – I get some measure of peace of rechargine of myself, and I get to do the things that both need to get done and that I like to get done. I too am an introvert and when I have been with others for a certain amount of time, I look forward to just getting recentered and revamped. On the other hand, when I am isolating, I am avoiding. I am usually in self pity and acting out. I know that I should be out there, even if it feels counter intuitive, and when I do get out there, I feel a sense of completion or joy.

    Like the wonderful Marius said there, we are often told that only fellowship can help us, and there is a sense that being alone is sort of considered not good. Being on our own too long and for the wrong reasons aren’t healthy. But I need solitude and quietness when I am in communion with the Creator. I need time to listen.

    So find that balance. Remember, getting out of our comfort zones is good for us too. Balance 🙂

    Paul

  4. Isolation has to be viewed and determined by you. I have no doubt, with your hypervigilance and honesty, that you will know if you are on the edge or allowing yourself to recharge your batteries or clear your head.
    I think another issue is the stress and toxic energy that others bring and bind to us. Sometimes we are not free to express how we feel, so we get quiet. But the brain never stops! The difference is always that fine line between someone choosing to isolate us or our own choosing to isolate. One feels like it has more self-control and a shedding of those things that are just not healthy for us. JMHO

    thank you for following my blog so I got a chance to read through yours. Your honesty is amazing!

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