I think its okay that I am still isolating myself. I’ve done it for years now, maybe it’s because I don’t trust many people, maybe it’s because I am happy on my own with my own space to do what I please. Don’t get me wrong; I do enjoy going out here and there. Just most of the time I prefer to be alone, my room is my escape from the rest of the house and the outside world. As silly as it sounds, I can go in my room close the door and feel a sense of relief. It’s almost like I can take a deep breath and relax. I think it’s mainly because most of the time my house is very chaotic. It is never quiet, there is always someone yelling or fighting. More often than not there are people too drunk for their own good. And outside of my house, my group of friends has downsized to almost nothing. I’ve had to stop talking to a lot of people because I don’t trust myself around drugs. I do have my closest friend right across the street, which is good.
At the end of the day, I don’t think I am isolating myself for the wrong reasons, although it may sound that way. I am content being alone 90% of time. It’s when I feel most comfortable. It’s when I can relax, read, write, draw. It’s not like I have bad social skills or anything, I am quite capable holding a conversation, or making friends. I just choose not to. I have never had facebook, or any social networking type thing. This blog is the closest thing I have ever had to any of that.
I used to isolate for the wrong reasons, I used to isolate to get high by myself. I loved getting high by myself, and just enjoying all the sensations. I used to isolate because I was very depressed. Now it’s just because I am content. Maybe I am wrong, I don’t know. But I think everyone has different needs for social contact, some people hate being alone, some people always need to have someone around or to talk to. Some may assume that I feel lonely. But I don’t feel lonely and I feel I am engaging with others as much as I want to. I don’t feel depressed, I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks along with depersonalization and derealisation but I have my whole life.
I almost feel while writing this, I am trying to convince myself that I am okay. But maybe I am just over thinking it. I know I struggle with identifying my feelings, and maybe I have created a comfort zone within my room where I feel safe.