I’ve been having these vivid dreams of getting high. Sticking the needle in my arm, drawing the blood, the release, and that wonderful feeling, I can feel the high in my dream. It feels real. I can taste it, and I wake up sweating with awful anxiety. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to wake up. It feels good. The ironic thing is, I go most days with the feeling that everything feels like a dream and I feel like I’m in a movie and nothing is real and it’s scary. And then I go to sleep and have the most real feelings. It’s quite confusing actually. The methadone is supposed to stop the craving, stop the dreams. But I really don’t want to raise my dose; this is another crutch, another thing I have to get off of. I don’t want to be on it long term. On the other hand last time I got off of it I thought I was ready and I wasn’t. A bit of a predicament, but I’m not going to focus on that, I’m going to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. As for the dreams, they concern me. Not because I want to use, but because it scares the hell out of me. It reminds me why I liked it so much. And the fact that I spend my days feeling like nothing is real; I get the urge to do something stupid like hurt myself in some way so I can feel something. I know it might sound a little crazy, and maybe it is but it’s scary to me. And the dreams feel more real than my everyday life. I’m thinking I should go and talk to someone about this, but I can’t really afford a counselor or anything along those lines. So usually I come here, and I write. It helps, but for this I’m beyond confused and scared. The anxiety is eating at me, I’m afraid to go to sleep because I don’t want to experience the lifelike high, and at the same time I’m afraid to wake up because I don’t want to feel nothing.