The Fear Of Freedom

I will be honest; holding myself accountable still proves difficult sometimes. I’m still learning how to be responsible. Addiction is a pathway to destruction, and the last thing that it wants for us is freedom. Sometimes I feel like I am still walking blindly in things I don’t fully understand and it’s quite frightening. I still have the destructive thinking of an addict, I often have to stop and remind myself how far I’ve come, how much it took to get here, and how little it would take to get back. I can’t turn to instant gratification and impulse. I have to run towards my problems, however big or small, rather than running away from them. It becomes very easy to get caught up and overwhelmed with everything that comes along with getting sober. I’m going on 7 months of sobriety, it happens to be the longest I have been sober in the last 10 years. I’m only 23, and a lot of people look at me like I should be done school, I should have a career. Maybe, but I think things will fall into place as they’re meant to, when they’re meant to. It is ignorant to assume that because I was an addict that I have no goals or dreams. It’s an unfair generalization to anyone. And on the other end I have people saying to prove everyone wrong. Well to be honest, I’m kind of sick of what everyone wants to see from me, like I am supposed to progress overnight into someone they’ve always wanted me to be, just because I am sober. It’s hard to explain addiction to those who don’t understand, even harder to those who don’t want to understand. I almost feel guilty saying that I feel afraid, anxious, depressed, and alone. It almost feels undeserving because a lot of the people surrounding me simply don’t want to hear about it. Writing these posts help me more than I would’ve have thought, and the feedback is always appreciated. So again, thank you all who take the time out of their day to read what I write.

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2 thoughts on “The Fear Of Freedom

  1. I can relate to a fair amount of what you’ve written here. I know there are people out there who have addictions to other things and they try to make a point in relation to people who have had addictions to drink/drugs, but the don’t get it, because their addictions are the same as ours. Being accountable for things is a challenge for myself as well, because even when I know I’ve done wrong, I still try and worm my way out of things, not everything, but some things. I wish I could be like you and be 7 months sober, but I’m still finding drinking a problem. I mean I can go 2, 3 or 4 days sober, then be back drinking again, partly because the urge gets too much. But I still hope I can get sober for a long time, and I have faith in that. I also have faith that, even though I may not know you personally, you will get to where you want to be.

    • Any day sober counts. I know I don’t know you but I believe in you, I know from personal experience that it is possible. Everyone is different with different circumstances but it is possible with time. Everything takes time. I wish you all the best.
      Crystal

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