I’m Doing It For Me This Time

I really wish I had the money to go to rehab, even now as I’m sober. I never got the opportunity and its something I’ve had to do on my own. Which is fine, I have lived and I am learning; slowly but surely. I might not know what I’m doing, I might not know where I’m going, but at the very least, I am learning. That has to count for something. There is a difference in getting sober for someone else and getting sober for yourself. When doing it for others, I found I was trying to convince myself that I was ready. I was telling everyone that I was finding a job, I was going back to school, I was mending broken relationships. I was telling people what they wanted to hear. They must have forgotten that I can manipulate and lie very, very well. “I’m looking for a job, I will pay you back, I’m better now.” Like broken record, a vicious circle. “You can trust me now, this time it’s for real.” You would think after the thousandth time someone would catch on. But that’s my fault I used their love as a pawn, so they would enable me. It’s not their fault; they didn’t know what else to do. Before they realized it; it was far too late. I was too far gone. But this time it’s different. It’s for me; it’s something I want, something I strive for. But is my will enough? Maybe. Maybe not. I know I have the support, at least I think I do. That is always helpful, and I have the will to give it all that I’ve got.

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6 thoughts on “I’m Doing It For Me This Time

  1. You sound like you can be strong minded so here is some advice from someone that has been where you have been.
    I did not go to rehab, I did not go to counseling, I did not quit for anyone else, I did not quit to please others, I quit for ME. This might sound corny or like a public service announcement but it is true. You stated your desire for rehab and seem to know what you want. That is a powerful tool to have. A person who knows and has the desire to quit and make their life better is a person who can find their path. A rehab is a place to sit and think and hear stories from other addicts. Counseling is a place where you bitch and gripe and someone with a degree agrees with you. I am no expert, I quit on my own after hitting rock bottom but if you truly want to stay sober and have a better life you need to look within. All the counseling, and rehab will not help a person become and stay sober who does not want to stay clean.
    Like I said I have been there and though we are all different, we are all the same. My advice learn and live by People, Places, and Things (AA and NA use it alot). Stay focused, find a higher power and you will be surprised by the results…Good Luck

    • I couldn’t agree more. I’ve tried to get sober in the past because other people wanted me to. This time around I want it, I want it so bad. And this is the longest I’ve been sober, and that counts. I want to also say thank you for your kind words, it means a lot. I believe in myself this time and I know I can do it.
      All the best!
      Crystal

  2. After reading this, I can relate to a good deal of what is written. The fact that you’ve said you’re doing this for yourself is a huge statement in itself. You said in the post that you might not know what you’re doing or where you’re going, and I can relate to that exact same thing myself. I might not know where I’m going, or where life will take me, but I, like you, am learning. And as someone who is a fellow recoverer, you have my support in what you’re doing. I believe you can and will succeed. Plus, I have faith that things will turn out good, maybe not straight away, but, given time, things will come good for you. Stay focused.

    Matt

    • Thank you that means a lot, I’m happy you can relate, sometimes knowing someone else is going through the same thing or even just feels the same way is huge all on its own. Just have to try and stay positive. All the best.
      Crystal

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