I really wish I had the money to go to rehab, even now as I’m sober. I never got the opportunity and its something I’ve had to do on my own. Which is fine, I have lived and I am learning; slowly but surely. I might not know what I’m doing, I might not know where I’m going, but at the very least, I am learning. That has to count for something. There is a difference in getting sober for someone else and getting sober for yourself. When doing it for others, I found I was trying to convince myself that I was ready. I was telling everyone that I was finding a job, I was going back to school, I was mending broken relationships. I was telling people what they wanted to hear. They must have forgotten that I can manipulate and lie very, very well. “I’m looking for a job, I will pay you back, I’m better now.” Like broken record, a vicious circle. “You can trust me now, this time it’s for real.” You would think after the thousandth time someone would catch on. But that’s my fault I used their love as a pawn, so they would enable me. It’s not their fault; they didn’t know what else to do. Before they realized it; it was far too late. I was too far gone. But this time it’s different. It’s for me; it’s something I want, something I strive for. But is my will enough? Maybe. Maybe not. I know I have the support, at least I think I do. That is always helpful, and I have the will to give it all that I’ve got.