I thought I was okay. My car was totalled, but my brother and I were in one piece. I didn’t know this accident would turn into an emotional, mental, and physical battle.
I was sober; I had just gotten off the methadone a couple months before the accident. I thought I was ready, I thought I was strong enough, I thought wrong. I still had the mentality I always did, once an addict sets their mind on a goal, the addict will find a way to get what it is that they want, and will accumulate what it is that they want, through any means necessary. Addiction is something to be cautious about even once sober.
About two months after the accident I realized I wasn’t okay, I was hurt from the whiplash; severe nerve damage near the central nervous system. Once I knew that I had a real injury my immediate thought was the medication I could get. The same medication that almost killed me, the same medication I spent in agony night after night for, the same medication that I spent over a year trying to get off of. I somehow managed to justify, I told myself that I wouldn’t let it get out of hand this time, when I knew damn well that I was lying to myself. So I did it, I got my hands on a prescription. The prescription started to run out a little faster each week. I started to show up for appointments earlier each time. Once again the addiction took over my life; I was hopeless, useless, ungrateful, and incapable. How could I let this happen again? I knew better. I used my injuries against myself; instead of trying to actually get better I decided getting high was more important. As an addict I had a way of justifying myself as a victim. I believed my own lies; that all negative feelings and events that happened to me were someone or something else’s fault. I saw the circumstances purely as a result of events acting upon me as opposed to causing the events myself. It was always what someone did or said. It could’ve been the whole worlds fault. As an addict I fell prey to this childish and ignorant victim mentality. “To recover, we must step out of the darkness and understand that we are not victims.” Who I am, what I feel, and what happens to me is my responsibility. I had a choice after the accident, and I made the wrong one. But I have learned from it and that’s what counts.