This is a question I’ve been trying to figure out for years. One of the assignments is college 2010 was to write about who you are. I skipped this assignment because I couldn’t answer the question. I’ve been lying and manipulating people for so long that I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Everyday I would put on this facade that life was great and everything was okay. . . When in reality it wasn’t. Inside I hated myself. I felt like I was always alone. Drugs have always been there to make me feel okay and to take my depression/ anxiety away. I never saw a future for myself and never really cared about life. In my mind I always planned on being dead by the age of twenty. My whole life revolved around one thing—-getting high. I have a totally different outlook on life now. I feel different than any time that I’ve attempted to get sober in the past. Slowly I am learning to love who I am and not be ashamed of my past.
Who I am
Even though I don’t show it all the time, I love my family and I’m extremely grateful for everything they have done for me. More than anything I want myself and loved ones to be healthy. I want to go back to school and get a degree but am lost as to what I am going to do.
I have gone through a lot of stuff that people don’t normally experience in an entire lifetime. If I apply half the energy that I put into getting high than I can accomplish anything I want to do. At times I can be extremely selfish and impatient but that is something I am trying to work on. I am a perfectionist but I am starting to understand that nothing can be perfect. I am used to other people taking care of me and I need to start being more independent. I have made A LOT of mistakes in my life, too many to count, but I am trying my best to learn from them so I can become a better person. I am worried about my future but I know that if I stay sober everything will be okay.
I am, and always will be, a recovering addict.