Reliving The Past

I did something today that made my anxiety go through the roof; I went through my old cell phone. I looked through old conversations and I immediately had a panic attack, but I couldn’t stop. I had an overwhelming mix of emotions I couldn’t differentiate the panic and fear from the shame and guilt. All I knew was I suddenly felt scared, I felt almost like a child; I was vulnerable and I was alone; alone with my thoughts, alone to sit with myself and alone with my emotions. I suddenly burst into tears; I can’t remember the last time I cried. But I didn’t know why I was crying, a part of me was sad and angry, and another part of me was grateful and happy. I was sad and angry because I hurt so many people, I had ruined lives. I was grateful and happy because I made it while many of the people from the messages had not. While reading the messages I was reliving those very moments of desperation; waiting in parking lots for the dealer to come by, begging my mom for cash, doing anything and everything to get what I needed, withdrawing, arguments…I relived those years of messages in the half hour I was reading. I wanted to run away from my mind, I wanted to make it go away. I think I began to look for reasons to relapse; an excuse. It’s a perplexing situation, and I’m likely to contradict myself because I don’t want to relapse. I’m just still learning how to cope with my emotions; I’m learning how to deal with my emotions effectively so I don’t relapse.

At first I thought I had just jeopardized my sobriety by bringing up foul memories, and reminding myself of all the difficulties and heartache. But I sat with my panic, fear, and anxiety. I sat with it and I felt it all the way through; I didn’t escape, I couldn’t escape.

I still haven’t deleted those messages; I’m not sure why I am having such a hard time getting rid of them. I know I might sound ridiculous, but maybe I am afraid to let go.

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9 thoughts on “Reliving The Past

  1. I definitely get your. Over the 7 years of my addiction I kept..I guess what you could call heroin diaries. I figured i probably won’t remember what happened. When i first read through them, I am pretty sure I reacted the exact same way you did. Some of the stuff disgusted me.

    But after way too much crying, and pacing, and more crying, and wanting to use, honestly all my thoughts just all came to me not ever wanting to be like that again. I still sometimes just go through it to remind myself how much it really isn’t worth it.

    I hope you start feeling better, you know you can do this =]
    Stay strong

    • Exactly; at first I felt defeated. But after a while I almost felt relieved. I’m happy you can always relate! I can relate to everything you have ever written on your blog. It helps me see things I wouldn’t see otherwise. So thank you for that! All the best,

      Crystal

  2. So what if you’re afraid to let it go. Normal, I suppose. But how incredible that you weren’t too afraid to write about it and share it. This is recovery what you just wrote here. This is how we stay sober. I’m loving your blog entries. :) Lisa

  3. We always get to look back over our stuff. Whether it is written or just memories. It shows us how far we have come, as back then we wrote what we felt. Now it is all so different for you because you are now a new woman. Someone who has looked inside, decided you no longer wished to be in that space, and with strength and deliberation created the change that you wanted to become. Be very proud of that, it is not an easy journey, but one that you will always remember for the change within. Hold your head up, all that went before is no longer you. Look forward and love what you have created. There is more beauty in what you have become with much more to come. Let go of your past, but remember it, as it is a part of what you were. That is a needed part to see what you no longer wish to be, so gives you direction in your path now. Accept that, and let it go. You’ve given yourself direction by what you are now doing. Follow that path. Be the truth you have now understood. Give yourself a hug for what you have achieved as it is beautiful beyond description. Namaste

  4. Anais Nin said writers write to taste life twice. I’m sure in some degree those messages are comforting in the same way old photographs or photographs of loved ones with new loves in their lives may be; but maybe you’re after feeling, and since it’s something you can feel, you like that about them. I duno. My $0.02.

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